


oh how fitting for one so fake

by Buttercup_ghost



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: A different story spoilers, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lowercase, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-10 05:24:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12905001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: coated and warm but that's all they can do,words only get through if they're sharp.(or; the four times she falls)





	oh how fitting for one so fake

at first she felt everything.

(but then she felt nothing)

 

 

 

 

 

mami didnt like the other magical girls she met. she wouldn't say hate, mami didn't hate easily, but she wouldn't deny the nestled dislike burning in her chest, bitter and coiling around her heart as she tries not to puke. they didn't try to save people, but instead selfishly only thought about themselves.

(it wasn't until later she realized that selflessness breeds even more pain, sometimes)

she was lonely. she was so horribly lonely, in this world. she felt leagues apart from her classmates, always running off to fight witches, and the other magical girls only laughed at her attempt to save people. she sighed, pulling out a picture of happier times with a mother and father from her wallet. 

(she didn't realize until too late that maybe she wasn't trying to save people, but make up for the fact she didn't save her parents)

 

she mets her, a girl like her.

she is red, like the fire that raged around her as her family bleed out—like apples and blood and ribbons in pink hair, beautiful and frightening and deadly. she calls her senpai and eats her sweets and smiles at her like she is the sun, and mami is happier than she's ever been since that fateful day. she comes to associate red with her and her with kindness, her (red, _red)_ lips spilling words of affection and promises. she's not alone anymore. she smiles genuinely and writes her name in the margins of her notebooks until it doesn't even look like a word, just a prayer.

but that prayer is the end of them—red, red fire and blood engulfing her church and family and engraving itself into her mind, her eyes stinging. 

and when mami catches up to her, eyebrows drawn in worry, creasing in concern, she breaks her heart, denouncing all she stood for in a single breath.

(the red, _red_ string of fate chokes them)

(mami wonders if it was a good thing she didn't save her parents)

 

 

mami is alone again.

(if she wears long sleeves even in the heat, well, no ones there to notice. she heals fast, anyways)

(sometimes she wished she didn't, that her magic didn't get rid of the scars, the marks, the _proof that she lived–)_

(sometimes she thinks she died with her parents, in that crash. sometimes she thinks it would be better)

 

shes alone for a while, after that, fear in her bones and heaviness in her heart. but then she sees them; they protected kyuuby, the only one who's been there to keep her company—and isn't that pathetic? isn't that pathetic?? only the animal that started all this staying by her—and she feels grateful. she owes them, and it doesn't hurt that kyuuby picked them, so she takes them home. 

(that's what she tells herself, at least. some part of her whispers that she's just desperate for human interaction, the loneliness in her chest making it hard to breath)

(their praises don't hurt either, if she's honest. she's not)

 

they have tea, and she tries not to think of her, red lips _(and what would it be like to taste them, taste the cherry chapstick and sweets on her lips, her tongue?)_ and instead tries to focus on the blue haired energetic, and her shy, pink haired—she wonders why she dyed it such a flashy color, briefly—friend.

they look at her in wonder as she talks, sayaka energetic smile taking her off guard. she speaks so passionately of saving people and helping others and it _hurts,_  her naive, wide eyes, because it reminds her so much of her, the colors inverted.

(somewhere, in the back of her mind, she recalls a different timeline where she embraced her, pulling her from the clutches of madness with a smile)

(if she remembered that, would she had pulled her into a kiss, instead of just watching her from far away?)

(would that have changed anything?)

 

sayaka and her come on missions, and she's content. it's selfish, maybe, to let them get caught up in this, but kyuuby chose them, didn't he? it wasn't like she was only bringing them to state her own loneliness, right?

right?

....

right.

 

sayaka asks if she can make a wish for someone else, and her heart stops.

_(kyouko.)_

she asks her why she's doing it, if she wants to help them, or if she wants something else out of it. it sounds cruel, even to her own ears, but the truth always is, isn't it?

(that's why she prefers to lie)

 

 

she doesnt hate homura (there's only one person she hates, and he's long gone and dead, lost to the flames he himself set) even with her quips and sass towards her, she simply doesn't like her. she reminds her of the other magical girls who would laugh in her face, whenever she tried to do good.

(reminded her of kyoukos decidingly blank look as she burnt all they ever had together, words like lighters, taking after her father more than either want to admit)

she brushes her off as someone who is jealous, another magical girl looking out for herself only, someone who's afraid of the competition madoka could bring (something isn't right, though, the way she says her name isn't coated in jealousy, but resolution, as if the world revolved around her) she doesn't think more about it, instead trying to focus of the happiness she's grasped, trying not to wonder if she was just as selfish, or more, as her.

(that's probably why she doesn't head her warning, either, chalking it up to her trying to trick her out of a grief seed, even as her tone turns desperate, timelines and possiblilties flashing through her eyes, all ending in death, death, _death)_

 

mami focuses on walking forwards, finding sayaka before anything can happen to her.

and then madoka speaks, her hand warm in hers, and she forgets about everything else but her, as she hashes her insecurities, so much like her own. and she cries, cries as lamps aluminate them, asking her if she'll really stay with her, eyes and heart begging. she's so tired of being alone. 

(she falls in love with a girl with hesitant eyes and a beautiful smile, who says she'll never be alone again. and mami finds she believes her, her opressive fear that burdened her heart lightening. she feels free, happy, like she's spring through the air instead of just being beaten by it, told where to go. mami smiles, and smiles, and smiles)

(and then she falls once more, her smile freezing on her face as cold terror filled her bones)

 

 

mami looses her head, in more ways than one, eyes wide with horror as two girls look upon her defeat—her death. her thoughts race, yet are so far away. she remembers the desperation in homuras voice, that she over looked, and finds herself briefly wondering if she got her whole character wrong. she remembers kyouko, red lips sneering in anger as she left, and it's almost like she's taunting her— _see, mami? i was right, you were wrong, and now you're gonna die, just because you wanted to play a hero you never were._ she remembers sayakas complements, smile, adoration. she remembers her question, and hopes she doesn't go down the route kyouko did, so long again. 

she remembers madoka, and her promise. remembers the hope she gave her, hope that was her downfall. was it wrong, to hope? was she just destined to live and die alone?

(did it matter? did she matter?)

(the witches teeth bit down on her before she can even think properly)

 

 

 

 

at first she felt everything.

(but then she felt nothing)


End file.
